Thanks for taking the time to go more in depth with me before giving "advice." I appreciate it so much.

Well, as of right now, we've been together a little over a year. We met online and have been in a long distance relationship from the beginning; he lives in Olathe, KS and I live in Columbia, MO...that's a 2.5 hour drive, and he often makes it every weekend. Due to less weekend commitments, a better financial situation and the fact that he's just plain crazy for me, he usually does the driving to see me and not the other way around. This has become very draining to him and I've suggested we cut down on our visits, but he wails that he can't stand being away from me. The big push right now is to get me a new job in his town so I can move from Columbia to there. That seems like a good idea, but I feel really apprehensive. I like it here, I like my job and I'm not sure if I really want to move. What if I met someone else? Well, I've thought about that...I know for a fact that I would never meet anyone as warm and caring towards me as him, but I often wonder if I require the level of warmth and care. I wouldn't mind a small amount of emotional distance with my partner as long as I still felt we were in love. But I enjoy his attention and so worry that leaving him for the "chance" of finding someone more intellectually compatible might leave me coming up short in all the areas that he excels. But I feel this is so essential that I am almost willing to do it.
If you can imagine this, I feel like a whole 1/3 of our relationship is missing. On the other hand, he feels completely fulfilled by me, says I am over and above his expectations and hopes for a woman and has no complaints. He always comments on how much he admires my intellectual or creative pursuits, so while he doesn't understand them or relate to me, he doesn't discount them...well actually he does sometimes...the few times I've tried to watch a film with him, I try to talk to him about how great it was and all he can say is how he hates movies and doesn't understand them. He throws up his hands when I try to involve him; he gets frustrated with his lack of ability to give me what I want from him. It's infuriating the way he falls asleep when we try to watch good movies or read books together. He has no comprehension power or intuition at all. I don't get what he thinks is funny and he doesn't get what I think is funny. I just can't connect on the levels I want to! I picture it like this: we are both cup measures. He is the 3/4 cup and I am the 1 cup. What I contain will fill him and run over, but what he contains will always leave me partially empty. I appreciate his efforts to the moon and back, but sometimes no amount of trying can make it better. It's not his fault and it's so frustrating I often cry thinking about it.

Anyway....so no, I don't see our interaction changing. As far as I can tell, we are just incompatible in an innate way, neither of us can or should change. From what I've read about ISFJs, he seems unusually emotionally open and giving. He is a VERY emotional person and I've suggested to him that he be in counseling. While we are both emotional people, we seem to do it in different ways. With his emotions, there seems to be nothing behind them, like no substance. Do you know what I mean? He is "Hallmark-card" sentimental. Things like Norman Rockwell paintings warm his heart, and I think, well that's nice I guess, but it doesn't do much for me. Tiny little sentimental concepts can choke him up, especially thoughts about children being denied things: a popped balloon, getting left out of games, a fallen ball of ice cream, etc. He could watch a movie like The Hours and not understand why it was sad though. His emotions border on the ridiculous. It's very weird to me. Very simple things make him happy or sad. Plus, he is a very defensive person and is easily offended. It's hard to joke with him about anything because he is so sensitive, anxious and tense. He's described his past; throughout his childhood and adulthood he's been teased and taunted and had a brush with death when he was 9 when a shard of glass from a window he ran through on accident stabbed him in the heart. As an ISFJ, he's not very flexible or adaptable and I think these qualities have caused him to stiffen to bad memories instead of dealing with them. He can't adapt to situations very well and tenses around the unfamiliar.

So I guess my lack of intellectual connection to him isn't the only problem, but I think our differences there cause problems in other areas.

His SJ-ness would gladly provide for me for my entire life, and this is one big plus...He expresses to me that he is "honored" to take care of me and wants to provide a comfortable living so that I may pursue whatever it is that I seek. So he can't talk to me about my desires and interests, but he'll fund them. It's rather unromantic to me, romantic to him, but practical. Should an INFP consider a deal like this? I have to be realistic enough to realize that rare is the person who will put up with my idealistic shenanigans for a lifetime. He is convinced his love will endure for me forever and he constantly tells me after being alone so long, he'll never take me for granted. Very good point there. My dad was his age when he married my mom (she was 20 and he was 36) and my mom always tells me how Dad appreciates her still and how old bachelors never forget their old lonely lives and never take their wives for granted.

My goals were to find my career path, get a job I enjoy and settle down with a man who understands me. I would like to have no more than 2 children, if any, and live in the country outside a nice college town or some other stimulating city (he would also like to live in the country and might want kids--we both want a daughter if we do-- but his present livelihood would put us in the suburbs of Kansas City for God knows how long) . I DO need someone to push me to follow my dreams, unfortunately. Though I have dreams, I often lack the strategy and discipline to make them a reality. I can't finish things, as much as I'd like to. (He has some dreams, but is content to stay where he is) So my big worry is that John will support me with money and taking care of domestic details, but he won't really push me to get done what I feel I should because he won't understand what I'm doing or why I want to do it. He won't believe in my work or won't know how to help me. If it was all the same to him, I'd have a mediocre job and find all my fulfillment in having a marriage with him. This is how life works in his world. Granted, it's more practical, but very lacking in color. He finds comfort in routine, and I find myself getting depressed with routine, so I couldn't count on him to get us out of a rut if we got in one. He likes ruts.
His lifelong dreams go like this: Go to school...why? Not to learn, that's just a necessary evil. Go to school to get a job and that's the only reason! Fine, nothing really wrong with that. Get a job that pays the bills, any job. It doesn't have to have any special significance, just as long as I earn a respectable living for me and my family. As soon as puberty is complete, get a wife. Not date a bunch of women and try different relationships before really knowing yourself...no, just get married to a sweet lady just for the sake of it. (I think he was not looking for someone as "complex/weird" as me, but he claims he loves that about me) Maybe have kids, but not a big desire. Just a good woman to be married to. The last step? Stay married for 75 years and work in same unsatisfying job for almost as long. This is fulfilling but other satisfaction might come from hobbies...perhaps.

THAT's how he envisions life, and while there's nothing wrong with it, you and I would say it leaves something to be desired. I realize not all happiness or satisfaction comes from career, but I doubt all of mine will come from only being married too, or married to someone who feels like this. He seems to view marriage with me as something that will save his life. Now of course, things haven't worked out for him, since he didn't marry at 18...he's been lonely and dying for a woman for 20 years. He has dated a lot, but only in a vain search for Mrs. Burns. Most women didn't want anything to do with him and he's never had a girlfriend save me...he's one of those nice-guys-finish-last guys (he thinks he was too sweet, dorky and weird looking for anyone's taste). I doubt his large poof of curly, red hair has kept him alone all this time, but I will admit he's not everyone's taste (Most men I like usually aren't!).

But despite our disjointed desires on how simple or complex life should be, he is always willing to put my needs ahead of his. He has told me the kind of wedding he'd want, the kind of house he'd want to live in, etc., but tells me he wants me to have what I want and that however I think things should be, that's what he wants. It's seems kind of a pushover thing to do, but when I take into account the sacrificial nature of ISFJs, it's very sweet. Except that that same sacrificial nature tends to make him keep hurt feelings to himself when I accidentally step on him and then lets him play the martyr later. Well, he plays the martyr about a lot of things in life, but I can live with that.

So that got a QUITE a bit more lengthy than I intended, but that's what's going on. This ISFJ leaves me unfulfilled and grasping at straws quite often, but he's capable of meeting my needs outside of that and providing the structure in life that I struggle to maintain. What I want to know is when is idealism too much? Where should I draw the line in what I'm willing to settle for? Because I have to face facts that good partners are in short supply and maybe I should just cash in my chips right now. But what if (there's always what if) I marry him and then later meet another man who is everything he's not who wants to be with me? That might be a big what if, but it's a legitimate concern, right?

AGH, I'm so confused. And worn out. All these things get in the way of me admiring him and feeling romantic towards him...Sometimes I really doubt that I truly love him; he loves me so much, so I feel guilty to dump him. He's so good to me too that I feel I'd eventually regret ending things. His goodness, affection and domestic skill might be enough to help me love him deeply as time goes by. But I just can't seem to muster the desire to be his wife, so I feel maybe I should admit that the thrill is gone or was never there at all. There must be a good answer to this dilemma somewhere. You are right that his age and goals make this a much quicker decision for me, and I'm feeling the pressure. I hate decisions!! I don't want to be alone again...Man, all I wanted was a boyfriend and then Henry Husband had to come along...

Thank you for your thoughts....and advice. I appreciate it coming from another INFP.

So it didn't really naturally work, but you made it work with lots of effort. That is very admirable. I know what you mean about feeling like you're from two different galaxies.

How did you know that your ISFJ was your destiny? What are the things you squabble about most? Do you struggle with different political views or other strong opinions? I struggle with John being conservative and Republican while I am more moderate but with leanings to the left. Did you ever find it hard to feel that you loved him? What are the hardest things?

I am starting to accept that there is no way to "develop" John, that I must accept him as he is. But I am also realizing that not accepting someone for who they are in a romantic relationship isn't wrong or mean, it's just admitting that you don't find a relationship with them possible or desirable. But I don't want to give up yet!

Would honestly be able to say you have a happy and fulfilled marriage? I don't want to find out after years of work that I'm still not happy with him. I would be willing to work for it if I knew that we could really make it and that no one better is likely to fall into my lap like he did.

Thank you for being so honest and yet giving hope. I appreciate it! This is very helpful to me.

Mary I am a female INFP with an ESTJ male partner...actually your guy ISFJ sounds to have many qualities of my partner; (I know very little of ISFJ personalities.)

We have both had to work very hard at our relationship, communicating, understanding, talking, compromising; you name it. He is black and white and Mr Super Foreman and Organiser, and I am every shade of the rainbow and some not even invented.

My dreams and aspirations are so far out in orbit the poor man needs to get out his goddamn binoculers...but we can do it!

The passion and love and committment has never ever been in doubt, we both went through hmmm, extended periods where we thought each other "should change!!" and can differ in opinions on everything.

But it has worked, we have worked! We have found a great line of communication and agree to disagree and understanding how different we really both are..

He not only has supported all my dreams, he flies the ship to and fro planet Pamland, he contributes to stuff (I ask his opinions) and I love to hear what he has to say on stuff-(it is so different).

I know we are talking about two different men here, your partner is himself, but I can tell you if you want it to work enough then we are (obviously very low %) but proof all the same.

One interesting observation, over the years, Mr Superintendent/Provider has picked up some of my stuff, and some of his wonderful stable qualities, I have strengthened in myself; it is a really nice feeling, (meaning the give and take b/w us, the compromising, the shared stuff)

Also I have a really great (albeit) small group of friends that I can share my dreams with too, and they are involved in...that lightens my partners role, think of it as respite for his soul..:)

We did hit rockbottom a couple of times before we really put in super efforts tho'...the glue was asking ourselves did I really love him and want to be in the relationship with him? It was a no-brainer, 20 yrs later!!! we are so fortunate to have the best of the best relationships....I am! achieving my farout dreams and he has been a great support and help with everything, no doubt stuff he wouldn't have given the time of day if I hadn't explained how much it meant to me.

That's just our journey, I realise it is your life, dreams and feelings and perspective; sincerely wish the best.