INFP and INTP relationship

topic posted Sat, September 9, 2006 - 12:47 AM by  Mary
INFP (me/female) with an INTP (him) in a romantic relationship. Opinions? The benefits? The challenges?

Maybe I'll explain more of why I'm contemplating later.
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  • Re: INFP and INTP relationship

    Sat, September 9, 2006 - 1:26 AM
    Benefits: Introduction to new ideas. Never met and INTP who wasn't an intense reader.

    Challenges: Fight or flight response during arguments and lack of compromise. INTPs will either withdraw or convince you that you're wrong. This comes from the need to be right and a more acute fear of failing then other personality types. If they intuitively know that they're in the wrong then they withdraw. If their intuitive logic has concluded they're right, the reject the idea that you could both be right. Compromise to an INTP seems tantamount to failure and lack of compromise is a relationship killer.
    • Re: INFP and INTP relationship

      Sat, September 9, 2006 - 4:27 PM
      Thanks for the input. :)

      Any suggestions on how to work with the challenges? I know I can't change people.

      I'm also open to hearing about things I might not recognize in myself.
      • Re: INFP and INTP relationship

        Mon, September 11, 2006 - 5:37 PM
        I was in a two year relationship with an INTP ......(I am an INFP)....and compromise is something they will not do.......except when they realize they are losing you (sometimes not even then)......yes we argued constantly........but I usually gave I tend to be more of a pacifist.......INTP's don't deal with emotional outbursts very well, so if you can control that you might have more luck........
  • Re: INFP and INTP relationship

    Tue, September 12, 2006 - 9:11 PM
    I was in a "dating" relationship with and INTP as well, and's work but what relationship isn't. Comprise is difficult for them, as it seems that comprimising is basically admitting that they are somehow wrong and that they have failed. Failure is just not happiness for INTP's.

    The benefit is that they are on the same alien wave length as the INFP, we are in our heads all of the time, introspective and inward. When they are at their best, they can be very caring and compassionate with those that they care for, sacrificing time and energy to insure their safety and health.

    When they are at their worst, they are stubborn (no comprimise) and will at times refuse to listen to their intuitive knowledge. At times, the INTP in my life would deny his intuitive self, of course his intuition proved to be correct, but due to his need to be right, he lived in denial about his error.

    Over time his has finally come to understand his intuitive self, and learn to slowly trust it ---

    At his worst, he was insensitive to the feelings and thoughts of others, perhaps because he spen so much time in his head, the worlds and thoughts and feelings of others were insignificant.

    You know what though, INTP are sensitive --- he is -- I could see him just barricade himself up when things got too close.

    If they are ready, willing and able INTP can be kind, attentive and tender...the key is "ready, willing and able". Sometimes a past wound will linger and they won't be so ready, willing and able -- he wasn't, but my intuition told me he soooo...wanted to be...but actions speak lounder than intuitive thoughts.

    Your challenge is to accept them as they are, know that they won't provide you with the "normal" everyday love symbols (roses, kisses, etc.) that they may just crawl away from you to avoid failure and hurt, that when they are upset you'll know it, and absolutely -- they don't like emotional outbursts (freaks them out for some reason), that they love and hate that you can "read" them, many INTP's have a strong sense of personal purpose in life and if they haven't found it yet -- they are seeking it and will often chose that over relationships but sometimes they chose love, that when they chose you -- that's pretty much it for them (it's a scary decision for them).

    Don't know if this helps -- but ask more questions and I can tell you my personal experience.

    They are an interesting handful, and I don't regret my experience with him, nor my current friendship with him.
    • Re: INFP and INTP relationship

      Mon, September 18, 2006 - 9:52 AM
      Speaking as an INTP who's dating an INFP (which is how I ended up here...)

      INTPs are great at compromise (everyone laugh) it's just that you have to get us to compromise the right way, here's the deal.

      INTPs are always right, it's just that the context and perspective is often wrong, so how to fix that? Change the context and perspective in the mind of the INTP and the INTP will come to the right answer. That's the first step. The second is dual context and perspective. The INTP lives in his world and comes from his own background and past. The INFP lives in her own world and comes from her own background and past. The result is that there are two right answers for two people. What you're trying to find is the right thing for the couple, which is at some magical intersection (insert warm fuzzy phraseology here). Once the INTP can understand where you're coming from and why you think the way you do then they will see that their right answer doesn't make any sense for you at all, and your right answer doesn't make any sense for him at all. At this point comes the cost benefit analysis. A loving INTP will usually find some way to find an equitable compromise and appreciate the cost on his end considering the benefit on her end.

      The real key here is in the communication. The INTP will think in terms of logical objective terms. Yes & No are good words to use with me. I've found the INFP I'm dating talks in terms of her feelings. Consider the phrase "that makes me feel uncomfortable". For the INTP he will be waiting for the follow up or might say "I know that makes you feel uncomfortable but do you want to ride the roller coaster or not?" You've told him all he needs to know but he heard something completely differently. It's important for the INTP to know how to hear what you say or for the INFP to know how to say something so the INTP hears what you want him to. This is important when conveying the context of a situation so the INTP can properly evaluate the situation when deciding on a compromise that seems fair to him.

      I hope this helps.
      • Re: INFP and INTP relationship

        Tue, September 19, 2006 - 2:19 AM
        Hi Michael,

        I'm stretching my INFP mind to understand you. You are saying the the better an INTP can understand me, the more likely he is to come up with the right answer, understanding, or compromise. So it seems you are saying that the more direct and honest I am, and the less nebulous I am, the better you can understand me. That makes sense, and actually it makes sense when interacting with any type.

        But what about the mutual extraverted intuition? After you and your INFP friend have had a chance to work things out with each other, are you able to say less and understand more with each other because of the extraverted intuition? Does communication and understanding become easier when you focus on your intuition rather than on your words?

        I am not romantically involved with an INTP but I've had good work relationships with INTPs. We can often communicate just by looking at each other. We can successfully team up to argue a point by hitting it from opposite sides. One of us will catch something the other one has missed. It seems to be a good dynamic when focused on a goal. Maybe that's another way to reach a compromise--by focusing on the goal of understanding each other. What do you think?
        • Re: INFP and INTP relationship

          Tue, September 19, 2006 - 7:15 AM
          Well, the better the INTP understands you the more likely he is to see how what he thinks is the right answer for him isn't the right answer for you. The key to doing that is both of you understanding how to listen to each other.

          When the woman I'm seeing was telling me about her comfort level or how she felt I kept trying to push her for more, because I wanted to know what she thought. I didn't realize she was communicating with her primary mode. She didn't realize that when she was talking about her feelings that I really didn't get it. She didn't know that T is my primary way of working and my F is buried. If something makes me feel a certain way that's all fine and dandy but I'm going with my T almost every time. I kept looking for her T and she kept giving me her F. This led to a major issue. It wasn't until a mutual friend intervened and asked us both what our MBTI types were. After she took the test and got hers (I knew mine) they were exchanged and we read each others profiles and I got it. She speaks more clearly to me when she really needs me to understand something. She can give me yes/no answers and I can listen for her feelings and get my sense of what's going on with her from those.

          The shared Ie is wonderful. We intuit each other very well, particularly on things we've had an argument about. When we are together it's rather magical. Unfortunately for the time being we are in a medium distance relationship (about 150 miles away) so we communicate via the internet a lot, which is sometimes a problem for our intuition.

          I think the end of your last sentence sums up what I was saying nicely :)
  • Re: INFP and INTP relationship

    Wed, September 27, 2006 - 1:09 AM
    Wow, this is bumming me out! lol

    I guess in my idealistic mind, I wish there was a magic mirror that could make things make more sense to me... or some magic buttons I could push and have us spontaneously communicating on things that keep coming back up.

    Wow... I didn't know outbursts freak them out so much. My INTP must really like me to be able to keep me around... lol.
    • Re: INFP and INTP relationship

      Thu, September 28, 2006 - 2:53 AM
      Hi Mary,

      As I said, my experiences with INTPs are professional, so maybe for you it is different. I think that there is a great variety within that type, as there would be within any type. One that I work with is actually prone to outbursts of his own, mostly when he is frustrated at not being understood. He is very intelligent and most people don't get what he tries to express. I'm sure your INTP does really like you because you probably "get" him more than most people do.

      Because INTPs and INFPs share the extraverted intuition, they are both highly aware of non-verbal communication. I think as you and your INTP progress in your relationship, you will rely more on intuition and less on words. This could be the magic mirror that you seek. You have the potential to get comfortable together. He may never make sense to you on your terms and you may never make sense to him, but once that is okay with both of you, you may be pleasantly surprised at how clearly you will be able to see each other.

      Good luck!
  • Re: INFP and INTP relationship

    Tue, February 8, 2011 - 4:00 PM
    As an INFP girl with an INTP male, i find that breaking down my thoughts and feelings about an issue and e-mailing it to him works very well for major things. State your final decision, (in my case the last time i did this it was to move to be with him rather than have him move), then go down the line of your reasoning, i like to break this up into "hats" such as:

    thinking as a student getting out of school: I will have better employment opportunities there.
    How i feel about the entire situation: Scared of the unknown, excited to try something new
    My concerns: we may fight, not finding a job

    Go on to list the worst, best, and likely outcomes as you see them:
    Worst: he will end up an abusive psycho and kill me.
    Best: we never fight, end up millionaires from our common project, and live happily ever after.
    Likely outcome: We fight a bit while getting used to living together but overall things go well.

    If you do this he can look at your thought process, rather than just the jumble of emotion and thought that we usually spew out at them. it makes it all neat, tidy, and easy for them to understand, while making use of the oft touted INFP writing talent.
  • Re: INFP and INTP relationship

    Tue, November 27, 2012 - 4:20 PM
    I think Michael explained things very well. I am an INFP and my husband is an INTP. We are probably the most compatible couple I've ever seen with maybe one exception. It works for us in part because he has a pretty developed Fe (though he says that I've brought this out in him much more since we've been together); he is very gentle and kind with me and very compassionate towards my feelings. Also, my Te function is well developed. I am very analytical/logical. As I told him, my emotions tell me what to think about and analyze. If either of us were different in these regards, it probably wouldn't work very well.
    We often know exactly what the other is thinking or is going to do, to the point that it seems like supernatural mind reading abilities. We communicate nonverbally very well. If he laughs when no one else does, I know exactly what he is laughing at. It's partly that we just share such a natural kindred nature, being both INPs. We instantly connected when we met and realized that we were both alien to the rest of the world in the same ways (it really felt like I'd been living in a foreign country and then suddenly found someone from my homeland who spoke my native tongue). It's also that we talked a lot, asked lots of in depth questions in the beginning about how the other thinks instead of just assuming that we already understood.
    We've had the exact issue that Michael talked about. Sometimes I answer him or ask him to do something in a very F way and he doesn't realize that, in my mind, I've said something very direct. To him with his T, it sounds like I haven't answered his question or that I merely suggested something that he might consider doing. Then I get irritated. Thankfully, despite the occasional blunder like this, we communicate very well. I can tell him that he irritated me, he can apologize and explain explain his thought process, and then I can change the way I speak in the future to make things more clear to him.
    They CAN and do (my husband) compromise. It's just a matter him having an adequate understanding of your side of things.

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