How do you cope with judgemental people/types behaviour?

topic posted Thu, October 25, 2007 - 4:15 AM by  pj
G'day everybody, I am new...I am an INFP, I'm having a really great life, it's been so good to find this forum...I have never met (knowingly) any other INFP's.....this is all really kinda nice, but I have a very serious question:

How the hell do you guys cope with all the judgemental type people/behaviour out there? The people that have strong opinions/judgement upon our world and society and people....and stuff!

Some of it I can let blow over, or blow down the peace pipe, but some are really quite offensive and seem to lack any empathy or compassion or tolerance or understanding of humankind, animalkind, the world????

Or is it just me?

Thanks so much for any feedback. Sometimes I can just walk away, but sometimes I feel like I need to stick up for stuff-the underdog, the picked on? the judged?

Enough eh.
posted by:
offline pj
  • personally I have had a tough ime with ths subject.....
    when I was younger I would lash out or hide inside my head ..
    now I selectively ignore some of the these people and override it with a positive feeling..
    one of my tribe friends suggested to treat everyone as you would yourself....with the we are one concept...
    it works sometimes..I think to myself ..what is this situation teaching me? and I remember who I am .
    you can only change how you react not them....that brings some peace to it.
    not always easy but getting easier with age and time...
  • Unsu...
    I just pity them and walk tall anyway.

    Sticking up for these people is like arguing with a mirage. These people like to get under people's skin and want negative attention. Deep down they are cowards, paranoid that people might see who they really are. They sit in fear of everything so instead of being accepting, loving or compassionate they hate, try to control and put down others and well, they're just hurting themselves so that's why I pity them.

    If I'm going to spend my energy doing something in an incident like that I would prefer to be supportive of the victim and not get my feathers ruffled up over someone who's really just having a tantrum. In the end I would just state my position and just leave it at that. Can you give any examples?
  • I feel your pain! (I heard that somewhere once!)

    In all seriousness, the personality you were describing tends to fall within the ISTJ & ESTJ types, although not exclusively. They are opposites and perceive the world differently. I constantly butt heads with those types - especially since my office is riddled with them. They usually don't mean any true hard. Bad behavior tends to come from bad upbringing and life experiences, etc. Each specific type in not inherently bad. Alas, any confrontations or bad interactions I have are just brushed aside and I try not to put any attention to them. Usually only after venting to my wife (ENTP) or other INFPs. So what you are doing can be quite therapeutic - just the act of writing down your stresses helps.

    Another thing I keep in mind are some things that Dr. Wayne Dyer mentions, along with other phsycologist-types. The opinions of others have no bearing on you. They cannot define you. Any words from others can only define them. If their words condescend, then they are condescending people. Your character is defined by you, and you alone. Keep doing as you are and rise above the negativity. As Ghandi said, "Be the change you want to see in the world." (or something to that effect!) Provide the positivity in this life that negativity destroys.

    And... remember to smile! INFPs have some of the most contagious smiles around. It can also be annoying to bad folks! =) INFPs also tend to be the "Super Hero" types. I have a few short stories and short animations that I'm developing regarding heroes! We are who we are, I guess! Let's embrace it. =)

    take care
    • pj
      offline 3

      I have read and re-read your helpful thoughts and words, the overriding feeling is that other people understand...I've got to clarify here it hasn't been a specific attack on me personally, it is more a general train of thought by some people toward lower socio ecenomic people, it really upsets me (because 1. okay I'm stupid enough to read it and take it to heart) but not everyone has whoopee-do-starts to their lives and can achieve or think like the rest of society, I also find it difficult when people name call others, derogatory stuff...racism, sexism...have and have nots, there but for the grace of God could be me! (or you).

      At school we had a couple of young boys who would cop some bullying...I find it very difficult to standby without making my disgust known and that attitude has followed me through life-I have toned it down, it is the other person's problem, it reflects their lack of compassion/integrity, and sometimes it is true, I overreact...

      I am overwhelmed to have found this site for one, but it has been a burning question to find other likeminded people how they deal with the judgemental, small ego, shakey legged, bullies of our world. Having said all that I hate conflict...I just don't understand how some people lack compassion, empathy, tolerance, understanding.

      Life is so beautiful...I believe I need to understand the J's better...I think if I could get it a bit more where they come from too, that will help.

      • Hi, I think that maybe you some of are confusing Judging with Judgemental. I know at least that INFJ's, like myself, are habitually standing up FOR the underdog as you say...personally I feel that the J preference is an inclination to decide what is right/wrong and take action. It does not necessarily indicate a lack of compassion. I for one find it difficult to reconcile my tendency to being angered by hateful behavior with the compassion to understand where this behavior comes from.

        So...I don't think it's fair to equate J personalities with closed-mindedness.
        • Funny Ive heard something like this before and I believe that others who are not INFP find it difficult to fully understand how an INFP feels and perceives things ......
          so no matter how another tries to justify the behavior of others ..the basic question is how do WE deal with the ones that seem like assholes to US.
          that is the way I see it..
          plz correct me if Im wrong...I dunno.
          • I agree with what Jessy said on October 25. I am looking to find these answers also. I wonder what our astrological charts have in common. I wonder if it is 12th house stuff. (part of one of my personal studies) Anyway, the pursuit for peace and centeredness gets stronger as I get older. Right now believe it or not, raising my 2 year old daughter is the most centered/connected experience I have ever encountered. I equate being centered with being able to better handle/cooperate with the outside/less peaceful world. I speak up when I encounter children being outright disrespectful. All they want or need is a better way to handle it. Then they have more peace in their bodies and their bodies reflect it as do their actions. I have had much experience, with much less tolerance because of working with children. I finally choose this profession because the retraining of how we support ourselves and each other in life determines our human/planet existence now and in the future. Children, for the most part, simply reflect their environment. Adults, for the most part, simply reflect the tape playing in their head from childhood. Most children get this and appreciate someone is looking out for them.
            Have you looked into Marshall Rosenberg's work? It may interest you. I know I jumped on to the subject of conflict resolution, but to me they are similar, whether the conflict is internal or external coping. At least they are in this moment. : ) Sleepless in Atlanta.
        • Rachel,

          What great insights!

          The big irony is that type expert Dr. John Beebe has stated INFPs are "the most judgmental of the types." So there's quite a paradox in the original posting. In truth, an INFP's favorite process is a judging one. It's what they do best!

          I have been on the receiving end of some painful and nasty INFP judging. Some of it on this very message board. I was shocked by the reception I was given here, and it caused me much heartache. I felt pretty hurt by it. The INTJ tribe was much more friendly and welcoming to me, which seemed ironic.

          And you're sooo right -- judging is not the same as judgmental.

          Moreover, it's a mistake to suppose "judging" as a function overall is bad. We ALL use judging (or we'd be dead!).

          I've met many INFJs who are uncomfortable with the "J" in their code, because they do not practice being "judgmental." (I too have INFJ preferences.)

          As I recall, Isabel Briggs-Myers said that we should use "Perceiving" on other people, and "Judging" on ourselves. That was the formula she advocated.

          I like your distinction that having a "J" in one's type code is about craving some form of structure -- it's not a lack of compassion. ISFJs are among the most compassionate people I know -- speaking of some nurses I've met. And there's that "J" in the code.

          I like the wonderful clarifications you've made. Don't we all want to be treated with compassion?

          The older I get, the more important I believe compassion is, and I've begun to feel "retaliation" is among the most menacing. "Getting back at someone" for a perceived injury is approaching "eye-for-an-eye" mentality, and represents dangerous shadow territory that brings out the potential for evil in each of us. Who can really say who the "underdog" is? Who has the right to make those decisions? It's one thing to "safeport" someone out of harm's way; it's another thing entirely to try to "punish" anyone. That's where we can easily go wrong.

          I agree with the other poster about Marshall Rosenberg's model of non-violent communication. It's a model that espouses consideration and compassion. It has always seemed to represent the best INFP perspective of how interactions could ideally be.

          Regarding conflict, here is a lovely passage from Thich Nhat Hanh. I hope you enjoy it.

          We Are the Light

          To reconcile conflicting parties, we must have the ability to understand the suffering of both sides. If we take sides, it is impossible to do the work of reconciliation. And humans want to take sides. That is why the situation gets worse and worse. Are there people who are still available to both sides? They need not do much. They need do only one thing: go to one side and tell all about the suffering endured by the other side, and go to the other side and tell all about the suffering endured by this side. That is our chance for peace. That can change the situation. But how many of us are able to do that?
          • Unsu...
            I'm going to use a variant of the html tag to bracket some insensitive statements said in jest:

            <tongue in cheek>

            If we treat you badly its because you are an evil INFJ interloper.

            I think you are just mad that we put things-and-people through a value-system almost immediately while you do this, like, months later.

            </tongue in cheek>


            As you've admitted, a value judgment isn't the same as being a jackass to people i.e. engaging in judgmental behavior. In addition to that statement, in a sort of two propositional self-canceling manner ( :) ), being "judgmental" on a forum or through e-mail is a little different than in real life. But, this forum is about, its core, an aspect of how a person's thought processes i.e. psychology works is an integral part of a person's identity. What seems like an attack on an INFP's personality will result in the attacker reaping the whirlwind. And in this sometimes cruel ESTJ/ESFJ/ENTJ world there are a lot of prior Issues and Judgments that us Crusader-Monks and Dreamers would like to enact our Vengeance upon. The infp reacts strongly against labels, even if they are correct.

            INFPs have the superpower to make value judgments but that doesn't mean I'm going to wave my Judgment in a person's face and ruin their day with it... unless they are harming something I hold dear.

            A typical scenario would proceed thusly:

            Internal thought process on seeing someone doing something odd: "Wow, that person is crazy."
            What is actually said by the INFP: "Hi, how are you today, sir?"
            What the judgmental attitude that we're referring to would say: "You better stop that, its just not what people should do."

            Its the mean Te judging that is the issue. The kind that doesn't allow exceptions and gets in everyone's face with it. Like those that use the law to limit people's self-actualization or yell insensitive things at people in the street.
    • hello everyone

      Here is my story! My sister and her x divorced almost 7 yrs ago and she has 4 beautiful kids, 3 boys and 1 girl. Her x husband is now living with another woman (who is the topic of this reply). When my sister and the x, were seperated, he had already met this woman, but was still not moved out of the home he and my sister shared for many years. My sister could not afford a good lawyer and he made my sister out to be a real terrible mother, in which she was a great mother. To make a long story short, she was given 2 days to move out of the home and he got custody of the kids. They are all teenagers now, up to 19 yrs of age and they do not wish to have anything to do with any of our side of the family now. They have been brainwashed into believing that because we, being my sisters, my brother (who passed away at the age of 39 in oct) and myself grew up with an alcoholic father that we are a dysfunctional family and the woman he is with now, tells them all that we are all mentally ill, which is furtherst from the truth. We are none of us perfect in any way, but we are just as normal a family as anyone else's, including theirs. I just recently found out that now, the woman is saying horrible things about my own daughter, whom she has never even met. My daughter is well mannered and respectful 22 yr old young woman who "yes" has two children of her own but also goes to college, but the "woman" is saying that because she has two children now, she is just another part of our disfunctional family and everytime any of us say anything my nephews and nieces, she is taking out her psychology books and anaylyzes our emails, or letters with the kids to tell them "see, this is the kind of illness they have.. It's absolutely horrible the things this woman says about our family.
      How on earth do you deal with someone like that.. I have wanted so many times to email her and give her a piece of my mind, but what's the point, she just seems to get her kicks out of destroying whatever communication can ever be attained for us with the kids by forever "bashing us" so to speak... She only knows us through what my siter's x tells us and he was with my sister for 20 yrs and we all spent alot of time together, so we could not have been that bad... My sister has not seen her children for over 5 yrs now and they want nothing to do with her because of all the horrible stories and lies my x brother in law and mostly the "woman" say about us.
  • JW
    offline 0
    I avoid them, of course. I can't avoid myself, though. Anyway, I am only responding to defend INFPs against this "judgmental" thing. INFP judgments center around character, I think, which is kind of an excuse, but a decent one. (Not like judging somebody for not following the crowd.) Another excuse has to be depression. Somewhere there probably is concrete evidence that INFPs suffer a high rate of depression (because INFPs are too sensitive for a world that seems biased in favor of certain other personality types). Depression makes people critical.
    • thats a good one........
      we do center the "Judging" around character not preferences.....(what feels right to me, does he or she fall in line with who I am, Is he or she important to me ..all of it only for personal decisions)
      Im still trying to understand my crazy INFP ways : )

      And Steph..I was reading on the 12 house and how represents the subconscious , worries , underlying issues..., discovering the true self...
      I have Sag in that house...should I look anything else up : )
      • very nice John
        • pj
          offline 3
          I appreciate responses here very much, am processing and thinking about what you have all had to say/discussed..

          I truly, strongly, deeply identify with the "INFP values"...I have these core values, one of them is the equality of human life, all life is so important, none worth less/ more (eg racism, sexism, financial status, intelligence etc)...This core value has never altered or shifted for as long as I can remember. I strongly value compassion, kindness, empathy; (you know I am not a wimp or soft touch though, can stand quite strongly on stuff-eg granite like :) )

          It's just, it's just that isn't it the easiest thing in the world to be loving, kind, tolerant, compassionate; it's a great gig, it me, to judge people on their race, finances, seems to take so much out of people, chews them up and spreads like poison...I may well be being "judgemental" by judging these behaviours? LOL ...this is all close to resolution for me, inside the heart, the head...I don't think I could write an essay on it, but the whole thing is sorting itself out.

          Does anyone else get that full of stuff on the heart and brain it virtually becomes impossible to put into's like a body of a thousand conversations and feelings going down. LOL ....and then it just clicks, whammo, gotchya!

          How did I not see that?!!

          • >>Does anyone else get that full of stuff on the heart and brain it virtually becomes impossible to put into's like a body of a thousand conversations and feelings going down<<

            so true....
            gosh..almost this forum has helped me with being able to articulate better...
            expressing my feelings is something I have difficulties with and I have to admit I am getting so much better
            with letting them out in a healthy way ....just expressing them period ...forming words out of such deep
            the funny thing is when others agree or have the same feelings ..its so wonderful for me...
            not speaking in anger or frustration is important for me.... but never without passion.

            with love and compassion....
            • Something I have observed in my realtionships with those that are on the "J" side of the fence is their need to come to a conclusion or reach a decision before I am ready. (I am VERY P and can take forever to do this) What I see happen is they will reach their own conclusion, and it is often wrong. So while I am still collecting facts and feelings, the J person is taking action. However sometimes the action is premature, as they are guessing, often incorrectly, my thought processes. Then actions have occurred and cannot be undone. So is our energy better spent p-ing around an issue, or setting action into motion that may have to be undone or reversed?

              I have found when I try to verbalize and share my thought processes with a J, that this becomes *the word* and can be written in stone. So I began witholding discussion until I felt sure about my decisions. Then it seems the J person thinks I am not giving the matter my attention. This may not be the best way to deal with this, but it just became apparent to me. It may be more effective if I could discuss the fact that I am giving a matter my thought and attention, and hope to reach a decision soon....
              • This is very true, as a J type I can say that I definitely prefer doing *something* even if it's not the right took me a long time to understand why some people aren't like this! I think we are afraid of opportunities going by and regretting inaction (at least, I am). It's true that actions/words sometimes can't be undone - my feeling usually is "at least I know I tried." Good point though, I think it is definitely helpful for us for P people to say "I'm thinking about it" so we know the issue isn't just being ignored.
              • Unsu...

                with weird

                Thu, January 3, 2008 - 6:49 PM
                Since I'm so brilliant I decided to live on campus for graduate school my first year. I'm back home again. Everyone here is some kind of FJ. More infuriating and annoying than TJs. To avoid conversating about what I'm about or what I'm thinking about I just go over the top with my replies -- the goofy that those with eN have.
                Explaining where I was for a few hours: "I was abducted by aliens who did blank and blank to me."
                People are too emotional and loud about nothing? "I'm going to go read."
                Why couldn't you sleep John? "The demons were attacking me with flaming pitch forks."
                What's wrong? "The monkeys got into the cornbread."
                Basically, I attack them with the bizarre. Because telling them what is actually going on would take a ten page paper that doesn't come to a conclusion.

                Everything is empirically good and still I'm all adrift because things don't always have a meaning. My honor is not satisfied and is at times even illegal to defend. Even conscious of this process I take it in and turn it upon myself. I'm still the odd one not this messed up society. Its my fault that I don't fit in to this suburban, gray, wasteland of Middle America or the malls and cul de sacs of Southern California. For a me, the bullshit power politics, meaningless sports games, and pettiness is an insult to the True and the Beautiful and to Honor and Justice. Internalizing the dysfunction of things that I see behind events and seeing things with shit-colored glasses when we, INFPs, are actually closer to what is good than what is out there. Does this make sense to y'all?
                • Re: with weird

                  Thu, January 3, 2008 - 10:12 PM
                  I got you John.....your so funny...hey we love you here...have fun reading.
                  • This is the maximum depth. Additional responses will not be threaded.

                    Re: with weird

                    Fri, January 4, 2008 - 5:42 AM
                    I wonder if any of you considered making this tribe "acceptance only" in, not everyone can join, because I think that seems to be how it would be preferred. It's one thing to discuss personality differences and another to say you are "good" and everyone else is not. That seems more judgemental to me than anything else...
                    • Unsu...

                      Re: with weird

                      Fri, January 4, 2008 - 8:19 AM
                      I really am going for a little humor in these posts. :)

                      My INFP triumphalism exists only in these posts. I just run away when people are being a certain way. And don't want to be considered bad or broken in a tribe for people who are similarly exiled from the True Country (imaginary INFP paradise). I'm trying to portray things by giving myself a heroic cast instead of admitting defeat all the time. Everyone IS better. But its fun to pretend to be the Champion of the story instead of the sensitive comic relief.

                      I'm sorry if I come off as being actually judgmental. I mean, everyone has aspects of all the personalities within them so everyone could be an INFP if they tried hard enough. :)

                      I'm trying to have fun while admitting stuff. I'll go hide now in another forum....
                    • rax
                      offline 7

                      Re: with weird

                      Fri, January 4, 2008 - 9:35 AM
                      > It's one thing to discuss personality differences and another to say you are "good" and everyone else is not. That seems more judgemental to me than anything else...

                      I'm not sure if "everyone else is not (good)" was implied, or inferred.

                      INFPs constantly deal with the Good vs Evil thing.
                      How many people here are bothered by the evils of war in Iraq and elsewhere?
                      How many of us see Capitalistic greed in our corporations as something that is harming humanity at large ?
                      Why is big pharma charging an arm and a leg for an HIV drug that costs pennies to produce, and using Africa as a testbed?
                      Why is Africa again the lost continent and we simply turn a blind eye to everything thats happening there?
                      Why are drug patents not made to expire quicker when people's lives are at stake?

                      If things like these keep you awake at night, then come join the "good" club.
                      Whats lacking is that few of us actually do something about the problems.
                    • Re: with weird

                      Fri, January 4, 2008 - 8:53 PM
                      Is it me or did I miss the "your not welcome" banner...
                      This is an INFP tribe we are going to speak or write in the manner in which we are comfortable with , with no bad intentions..this is what we talk about and how we express ourselves but if you are not an INFP and are perceiving things in another way one here is to blame....and IM sorry if anyone feels that way.

                      John your fine... so no worries said nothing wrong and playful and truthful is nice a little imagination doesnt hurt either.

                      That is what these forums are for have conversations with like minded people to feel safe, and understood....
              • Ana
                offline 0
                that is true.. my bf is very J and the more i know him.. the more i understand where it came from.. his mom is also a J... good thing i found this website... and when we have fights.. i just go silent and process what has happened before taking action and he want to immediately resolve the problem..
  • This thread is the first time I actually connected to this tribe.
    It was very challenging to have this type of awareness as a child and be stifled, "seen and not heard" by many of the adults around. At least, we are adults now and more able to make a difference in our communities and with guiding our children. And, able to create our "home retreats."
    I think our values are high and clear. ~ Looking for, moving toward, harmony, and choosing respect and peace, because we are the examples, to get there. And, I get sometimes respect for oneself and others does not always look or feel peaceful.
    • Unfortunately I have found that as an INFP because I can be very gentle and tolerant that I run into situations where a person will mistake that for weekness or not being assertive and then I am seen as aggressive when I speak more directly just to get a point across.
      It seems like a loose loose situation sometimes but Id rather these days, be clear and direct than not have a voice.
      I believe this is common for INFP to be seen as aggressive when they stick up forthemselves...
      not sure if its the need to be understood , the passion and strong belief in the cause that comes across that way.
      • By the seem to sound like a very healthy INFP Steph. which is wonderful... are you always very level headed and peaceful given any situation and have you overcome the idealism of a perfect world and perfect people?
        • Thank you so much Jessy. (smile) I find your words quite encouraging!
          I think I have been whacked over the head by the ol' universal two by four enough times....
          I am getting there I hope. 41 should be worth something, huh?!
          No, not in any given situation. Then again, maybe in those times it is absolutely necessary. Sometimes it is hard to tell. I am learning.
          I get what you said, also, just before this last entry about how people perceive "weakness", then when speaking up and being more direct "aggressive"... all of my life. I am learning to identify what does not work for me and what does, much quicker, and I am more ready and willing to share it, hopefully without blaming the other person while offering information about "if... then". I decided I would offer all that to a friend tonight regarding a situation where I felt I was giving above and beyond and felt taken advantage of. I just needed to identify what was truly OK with me and talk about it. (We had to leave messages ~ single moms with toddlers.) I have very high service expectations for myself. I choose to reevaluate my expectations of myself and take a look at what is realistic for me right now. It is quite humbling!!!! : ) Maybe I am overcoming the perfection expectations I have on myself and that gives the rest of the world a break. I make mistakes all the time! My body feels so much better when I say " I am sorry" and mean it and make a real effort to do better. I am working on all of this and more these days. Just trying to "rewire" all the old stuff that is no longer useful.
          • I am still evolving at 36 and do look foreward to becoming better at who I am inside...
            most important is communication and getting my feelings across in a direct but non threatening way.
            I admire those qualities when I see them in you : ) Its not always easy in this world.

            • I still react quite strongly to people that constantly pass their judgment. Although I rarely verbalize it, it has a very visceral effect on me. I think I take issue with some people's insistence upon being right instead of doing right. I think the correct action is to pity them and try to ignore them but sometimes I fall into the same trap. I find myself defending something I never intended to defend because I don't think it should be criticized. In the end, I wind up angry at myself for wanting to be right (judgemental!) instead of doing right.

              There is an old saying.... "What you say about another says more about you than it says about the other person." ...or something like that.

              For me judgmental equates to self-righteous which equates to hostility toward open-mindedness. But I could be wrong. ;)
  • I'm a mediator by nature. I will usually try to engage people in a discussion if they seem to be intelligent. Usually I try to ascertain why people believe what they believe and honestly consider it. If I feel that they are wrong I will present my views. When I find someone is either unwilling or unable to engage in open discussion I will almost immediately clam up and fall back on non-commital response to end the conversation or get away if possible. I almost never lash out at people unless they hit a real hot button issue for me (racism, poverty, etc) or am in a really bad mood.
  • Hi, I am new too. Did a Google search on this exact topic, and found this cool site. I have taken the MBTI tests several times in college, and always came up strongly INFP. My Dad has the same personality type as well. My ex, however - not so much. He was tested at work a number of years ago and I believe he was an ENTJ. Not supposed to get along with my personality type at all, but we made it work for a number of years. He moved out earlier this year though, and we've been separated since. Tonight (two days after a dear relative died) he was over here subtly and not so subtly criticizing my housekeeping. He doesn't even live here anymore! Sure, his kids do, but they are well taken care of and he agrees with me that they are. He just can't seem to help himself from judging. I don't do the same to him. We are both Democrats but tonight I had to ask him if he was becoming a Republican, because he was talking like the way he does things is the only RIGHT way and everyone else is WRONG! He says he gets it from his Mother, and I can't disagree she's like that too at times (even though i really like her) but why can't he just clam up and withhold judgement on something that doesn't affect him, for just a few hours? Especially when I've just lost a loved one, and I'm facing divorce, and looking after two small kids on my own? Empathy... I wish everyone had some of that! Not just in my particular situation, but people in general too.
  • I ignore them, while pretending to give a crap. I'm 19, I don't really know. lol. So pretending works quite well right now.. whenever it fails.. I'll come p with a different But for now, they still are fine, there's no conflict, life goes on, I don't look like a bitch, and everybody wins. lol. Any kind of condemnating people are usually unhappy with who they are, so feel a need to measure themselves over, and lower other peoples position in life, so that they can somehow reach the sense of worthiness either in ther own eyes, someone else', or both. So I just let them dance on there self created plateau, listen to their opinions, while all the while thinking.. "if only you saw what others see in you." But I do not look down on them, there are some problems you can help, some you can fix, and some that only they can. They are lost, and do not know how or what is wrong, so they are just acting in there natural state until they figure it out for themselves, or eventually ask for help. So I cope by basically accepting it, and leaving compassion open while not intruding.
  • I'm brand new here as well, and your question inspired me to join this forum. I have been dealing with an ISTJ for 2 years now, working very closely with him. We often have email discussions which turn into email wars, on a variety of topics. My main goal has been to learn where he is coming from, which I now have a very good handle on, and also, to teach him to have more empathy.

    I should really take my own advice here but I can't put up with his outrageous judging sometimes, and feel the need to 'teach' him:

    IGNORE THESE PEOPLE IF AT ALL POSSIBLE!! Don't engage them. Remember, it IS ALWAYS possible to do this, but we sometimes make the mistake of indulging them, due to our own needs to be understood. Well, get those needs fulfilled elsewhere is my advice.

    These people are incapable of learning, they are basically narcissists, so you can't influence them, they know it all. I have provided pages and pages of very personal, very detailed information on why he should consider other ways of thinking, all for naught.

    I'm finding that if I allow them to just be, that is best. Question is, how to do this, when they are jamming their opinions down your throat? Well, I also find that if I have a deep well of satisfaction built up, through means such as music playing, or writing, or just generally being good at the things I enjoy, I can ignore these types of attitudes with greater success. I'm definitely not saying I have success all of the time! Not yet, anyway. Good luck.
  • Judgmental people are very egotistic and think they are far superior to everybody else. They criticize other things and people for fun, and to prove how "great" they are. But their view of the world is distorted. They fail to see the greatness in it. They need to explore the world, and when they do, they are in for a shock. If they say old people are gross, say they will get old and gross too. If they (men) say that women are powerless, they have probably read all of that scientific nonsense about women having inferior power. Tell them to look up YouTube and search female music producers. They will be flabbergasted by the fact that the music that these females produce is very awesome. You must tell them to prove how great they are, so when they show off their assets, and efficiency in different areas of artistic skill, you gently critique (not criticize) those artistic productions, based on attractiveness, and ingenuity. In short, deflate their humongous egos.
  • kdp
    offline 0
    I find it difficult to deal with confrontation and critical people...sometimes blatant criticism is easier to deal with than trivial subtle stuff

    I've come to realise that a lot of the time the person judging or criticising IS the problem and not myself. Some people will look for any excuse to criticise and you are just a target.

    I try not to react anymore but bottling it up doesn't help
  • Unsu...
    it depends on the topic-- is what they're judging and being harsh about something that is really close to me, something that I am passionate about? it depends on the person-- if they're a stranger i may not even bother to say anything because i dont know them enough to start passing judgement on them. it also depends on the mood i'm in .. i like a good argument but it takes energy and half the time i haven't the mental motivation or i just know i could be doing something better with my time than arguing with ignorance.
  • I silently give them the finger (in my head) and then walk away, actually feeling pity for them.

    Life is too short to let other people affect us with their criticisms and judgments.
    I look at it as a closed-minded tactic that some folks just can't let people be who they are.
    • Of course, like everyone else here, I am sensitive to these seemingly rude people as well. I have a few tactics that might work here...
      1 - I am my own worst critic. Me. If I can learn to consciously get past my own judgements about myself...then I can learn to live with anyone. I think one of the hardest things for an INFP to do is to live with him/herself.

      2 - When someone's opinion jumps out there, usually jumping out in a very "brash", "behold, I am wise" manner...for some reason it feels like if I just leave that opinion out there then it will materialize and become fact. Ha! Like someone else said, it doesn't define anything. So getting back to what works for me...if it is important enough to fight for (as in, we're making important decisions based off of these opinions) then I stick up for my point of view and I fight for a reason why it would benefit everyone involved.

      Am I ever anesthetized to Like Steward Smalley said on SNL, "It's easier to put on slippers, than to carpet the whole world."
  • Here's a song I wrote instead of telling a very dear but judgeMental as HELL friend off:

    Send Me Down Some Lemonade From Heaven
    (a Hard Country Song by eLLe BeaH)

    All I did was ask for your advice dear
    Not because I needed your two cents
    Then you try to spit all up in my ear
    Like you ain’t got no chicken-pluckin sense

    I ain’t never tried to be an angel
    I ain’t never lied and broke your heart
    I’m just goin day by day by myself
    Pickin up what life’s done torn apart

    Oh won’t you send me down some lemonade from heaven
    While you’re up there singing with the best
    Drop me down some pearls, some milk & honey
    While I’m down there writhing with the rest

    Won’t you send me down some lemonade from heaven
    While you’re up there singing with the best
    Drop me down some pearls, some milk & honey
    While I’m down there writhing with the rest

    All y’all churchy birdies make me crazy
    Walkin round with crowns upon puffed heads
    I find it all so stupid, cruel & hazy
    Talkin down while paving hell instead

    I ain’t never played the games you’re playin
    I ain’t never faked the blame you cast
    So I’ll take my sinful ass & keep on strayin
    Cause Your Judgment Day is gonna kick your ass

    Oh won’t you send me 'round some lemonade from heaven
    While you’re down there preachin with the best
    Toss me up some pearls, some milk & honey
    While I’m up there singing with the rest

    Won’t you send me 'round some lemonade from heaven
    While you’re down there preachin with the best
    Toss me up some pearls, some milk & honey
    While I’m up there singing with the rest

    eLLe BeaH © 2012

    Don't bother discussing anything with people who thrive off of judging others. They can not hear you... only the echoes of their self-righteous lil minds...Judge em back just like the Bible told em would happen, eh?! LOL
  • I have met people like this. I believe you have two options here: One thing you could do is simply ignore them. If you have friends, spend more time with them! Or, strive to learn more about the judgmental type people; most have interests that they are very passionate about, just like INFPs! Who knows, you might find that you share an interest in art, or a certain music group, or something else entirely!
  • Unsu...
    I just can't stand people who constantly want to categorize. I mean it does not make any sense in my head! I can't comprehend..But then I just remember it's ignorance that makes these people believe we are somehow all different in our desires to be happy && loved.. to me it doesn't make sense that people can say "well, they have different interests than me, so that means they are different altogether". I don't get such a shallow perspective on life.. I don't understand who want to put people in a box.. We're all individuals..Labels don't even exist to me. That's what really just makes me sad, more than anything. But I think it stems from a lack of understanding of humanity in a way.

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