Today I realized that the only place I feel safe is inside myself. As much as I long for intimacy with another person. I truely only feel safe within myself.
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SF Bay Area
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Unsu...
Re: Safe
Sat, December 10, 2005 - 5:06 PMSame here. I think that's why I feel such relief when a romantic relationship ends. Maybe I should just stay alone.
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Re: Safe
Mon, December 19, 2005 - 2:29 PMme too. not only does my inner world feel safer it's also a way more interesting place than my outer world is. lol.
i go thru phases of intensely craving connections with other ppl but i don't seem to have the skills or opportunities to create the kinds of relationships/friendships i'd like in my outer life.
that's probably why i spend a lot of my time writing stories, they fill that need for me...most of the time. a perfect example is tribe; i joined tribe to get more connected with others and then i find that i'm too shy to post...most of the time! -
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Re: Safe
Mon, December 19, 2005 - 9:18 PMI know what you mean. I feel shy to post alot of things I am feeling. I did not expect to get any responses to this post. I just felt like I needed to put it out there. Out there in the world.
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Re: Safe
Mon, January 23, 2006 - 6:04 PMI think reading Conversations With God helped me a lot with this... "safety" as an illusion, the question of what are we failing to see when we're too busy looking at/for "safety", the illusion of a difference between "inside" and "outside", "self" and "other", etc. Beyond that, feeling unsafe and acting anyway.
More recently a great guide has come into my life, another INFP who is a pastor and counselor, with interests in intimacy, wholeness, connection. I'm learning a lot, there are skills involved with this, and they have to be learned. Not the kind of skills that can be easily learned from a book, which may be one reason INTPs can have such social problems ;-)
I've thought before of a progression that can happen like this:
1) I become aware that I'm avoiding something, say intimacy, because disconnection feels safer. I can hang out here as long as feeling safe is more important to me than intimacy.
2) I become bored with "safe", I'm feeling over it. That doesn't mean I've made the change, just that I'm ready to begin the work. I may still have some fear around letting it go, I don't yet have any clue WHAT to do/HOW to let it go, but I know now that what I want is more important than what I've been clinging to.
3) I begin to take actions to change, whatever those look like for me at the time. I meet with relative successes and failures. I keep trying and learning. I start to have experiences of intimacy that feel safe! Encouraged, I continue...
Maybe any of that resonates for some folks here. My experiences have followed something like that. -
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Re: Safe
Mon, March 12, 2007 - 11:58 PMthank you for your post! I have been struggling with the safety issue lately in a very intense relationship. I felt like my safety zone was in trouble, almost in a claustrophobic sense. I retreated and retreated (and cried, and cried) and eventually found myself pushing the person away. I felt like everything in my world was on the verge of collapsing, home felt unsafe, the relationship scared me, family was wearing on me and all sorts of fears crept up. I told myself I was more secure alone. Yet somehow that doesn't necessarily feel right. I spent 26 years running from intimacy. I finally found it, embraced it, but when things got rough, I ran screaming bloody murder. I now feel an urgent desire to pull myself up, but I can't help this longing to find a way to make things right again in knowing the other person. -
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Re: Safe
Tue, March 13, 2007 - 10:45 AMYes, last I checked I am a number 4. -
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Re: Safe
Wed, March 14, 2007 - 2:24 AMWhen I'm in myself, I get rather scared. The stuff that's going on inside me is not pretty, it creeps the heck out of me.
I feel best with a partner that is not going to hurt me. And I can always tell whether someone is safe or not. Within an instant. You can practically smell it on them, or see it in their face. -
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Re: Safe
Wed, March 14, 2007 - 6:57 PMbefore my daughter was born...
i woke up screaming every night
it made stephanie nuts
but ever since sophia was born
all my nightmares went away
its like all my fears for me vanished
and now i just do what i can for them...(she has a brother now too)
i too feel safest another...under very specific circumstances (usually when i am being supportive)
yet
still prefer/seek solitude...
my favorite...safest...most peaceful space
is driving long distance
in the middle of the night
on the freeway
with my family asleep in the car/van
with no music playing
and the window open if they let me...(i like it cold...but they prefer it warm)
i feel things about people...but usually doubt myself
what makes someone else safe...???...
according to you...regardless of what others might think -
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Re: Safe
Thu, March 15, 2007 - 4:52 AMAccording to me someone else feels safe when their personal needs are met. Emotionally, physically, intellectually and so on. And, ofcourse, everyone needs different things.
When I'm on my own, I don't feel safe in complete silence. Music Maestro! If there's complete silence, and no one around, I start freaking out. because I'm looking for sounds that are not there, I'll have a severe panic attack, or I start thinking about stuff I really don't want to think about (always leading to a panic attack).
When I'm not alone however, I can be really pleased with silence. Being able to be completely silent with someone is beautiful. To me, it resonates mutual trust, most of the times. You can feel whether or not it's a good silence. When it's a good silence, it's very beautiful. Sometimes you can even communicate with eachother without even looking into eachothers eyes.
When I'm silent with someone, it usually means I don't have the need to be reassured. Otherwise, I can talk endlessly, and I don't like hearing myself talk nowadays. And, what's more, when I'm silent around someone, I constantly measure their wellbeing, especially emotionally. And that keeps me from having panic attacks, because I don't have to measure my own wellbeing. -
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Re: Safe
Thu, March 15, 2007 - 6:30 AMthis is bringing up something i have been thinking about lately
trust
what is it
i guess it could be perceived in degrees
i trust frank to bring my car back in one piece if i loan it to him
but i might not trust frank to take my children safely to my mother's house
i keep wanting to use the word faith
but i do not want to be making any religious reference
i do not think i am very trusting of other people
at least emotionally
i think it is a combination of being overly sensitive
and of being hurt by others in the past
i don't think i give as much trust to people as i should
i should trust them more
at least emotionally
hmmm...???...
but sometimes i think i am more trusting than others
perhaps i am just inconsistent
and that also be why i get hurt
maybe i just don't have any idea
how to trust properly
i only know
that trust
is an issue for me
and i wish i knew how to do it more
or better -
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This is the maximum depth. Additional responses will not be threaded.
Re: Safe
Thu, March 15, 2007 - 11:23 AMHah! And this reminds me of something I have been thinking about a lot lately.
Trusting someone. Why?
For me personally, I have found the answer. I have been hurt immensely, I've had an extremely difficult life. So harsh that even one therapist has told me that he wondered how it could be I wasn't in an asylum, rocking back and forth, mumbling to myself. Therapists normally don't say things like that. This, to illustrate it a wee bit.
I HAVE to trust other people. You never know what beautiful thing can come from it. It also, ofcourse, means that something really ugly can come out of it.
When I don't trust people, well, certain people, I have the feeling I'm definitely not alive and I feel incredibly lonely. You must take risks in life. You know the saying: Take the good with the bad. And that's exactly how it is.
Ofcourse, in the end, everyone will hurt you (but haven't you been in enough hurt to know that you always get over it in the end? Whether or not it has changed you (good or bad) as a person?). I guess that's human nature. But I always hold on to the good times I had with that person, what I learned from them, how they enriched my life, how ALIVE I felt while being around them, how much more insight I got into the human mind, how good I can be to another person, how much I can love someone and how I can be loved back.
So if you don't trust people, they will never enrich your life, because you don't let them. And believe me, it's also difficult for me. I always try though, sometimes I succeed, and sometimes I don't.
So be it. -
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Trust & Hurt
Thu, March 15, 2007 - 12:28 PMIn life I have been very trusting and very distrustful. Things often work in extremes in my world.
Yet, when I have trusted, deeply, given all my belief to someone who I intuitively knew was worthy...
doors opened, knots unwound, levels of consciousness became heightened, possibilities gained substance.
Much of my distrust is deeply rooted in fear. For a long time, the fear left me unable to move, frozen in time.
I didn't dare let people get too close, for the ones that I did only hurt me. Then I began to realize (still working on it),
despite the pain they caused me. It was in the past. They couldn't hurt me anymore. In fact that I was hurting
myself by continuing to suffer the pain. I was telling myself what they told me, I was inviting the same scenarios
to repeat in dreams and in the waking dream. I am at home, at peace, in harmony when I... just... let... go.
I met someone quite some time ago who dissolved my previous boundries of lies and truth, love and hate, all things polarized.
I was frozen in time until he awakened my true potential. Yes, he lied and with every lie a great truth came to life.
I learned about myself. I learned about humanity. With every betrayal, I entered his soul more deeply, experienced
him inside out. He could transform the world of murkiness into a realm where all was possible. A trip to the beach
or the forest would turn into a magical experience, free from self-made barriers. It is difficult for me to even take
a side in a debate anymore. (Though unfortunately I can still argue).
I don't believe everyone hurts you in the end. Yet I don't believe 100% in forever, as it is all just the eternal now.
In fact, the only time the past can hurt and fears of the future can cripple are when I put belief in past and future.
The best thing I can do is try to be aware of what the other person has to teach, what I have to learn. I am a firm
believer in the old phrase, "everyone is a teacher and a student". I feel so much better when I have learned
a universal lesson, for then I become free from the hurt I was perceiving and aware of the high power of truth.
Lately my dreams have inspired me to question trust and distrust. They have been so powerful as to
invoke a great sense of urgency. Yet, I cannot take the message as 100% literal. I have to confront
the real possibilities that my fear is just that strong in some areas. I know this is happening because
I've made drastic changes, taken giant leaps in areas of my life where I previously felt helpless.
The part of me which still believes in failure wants to speak up, yet I have to make the choice
not to listen anymore, not in the same way I did. I still don't know who to trust. Yet, I trust my higher
self. I trust the journey. I trust that as long as I keep moving, I'll be okay. It is only when I stand
still that the world begins to cave in. And that isn't to say I cannot just be, for I can in music and meditation...
yet that is progress... the standing still I speak of is murkiness, stagnation, stewing in the sludge of the past.
I am quite sure I digressed, but hopefully some of it made sense. -
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Re: Trust & Hurt
Thu, March 15, 2007 - 12:43 PMYes it definitely made sense, don't worry.
I have been standing still for quite some time now. And sure enough my world is definitely caving in.
But, fact is, I sometimes wonder whether I'm hiding for myself when I'm not standing still. I always have this ominous feeling of running away from something, and I can't even tell what and so, I cannot tell why I'm running.
And when I'm standing still, I'm worried about whether or not I'm hiding things, storing it all in the back of my head, where I can't even feel them. And ultimately, also hiding for myself. I don't like it when two seemingly opposite things tend to have the same outcome. Because then there's (seemingly) nothing I can do. And maybe that's just my mind playing tricks on me, so I don't have to progress, because "OH, everything I do doesn't work! What a pity, now I can go on with doing nothing." See? And yet, if I'm doing it, I don't even know. Or maybe I do because I just typed it down.
I am never sure, especially not when my world is caving in. Everything seems possible, and there seems to be no solution. -
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Re: Trust & Hurt
Thu, March 15, 2007 - 1:02 PMOnly about 6 months ago did I realize I was running away. I ran away from lovers, friends, roommates, family, cats, myself. I would leave my house and crash at friends houses for days at a time because I didn't want to be where I was. I realized I would go on these daydream (thought based) sessions where I would just disappear in the presence with another person and at times alone. It affected every aspect of my life and interaction with others. Over time, I have been able to be more present. I'm almost there and it is monumental, because for a long time I couldn't feel pleasure. I could understand it, but not feel it. It occurred to me that I was running when I looked at my life at the time. I hardly spent any time at home, when I was there I'd lock myself in my room, I worked at a job where I was constantly on the run, I avoided having relationships where the person was actually present, When I was home I spent time at other people's houses and finally a point came where I had killed all my options. I hit a wall. In that literal barrier, I discovered my internal barrier, the wall which was preventing me from moving forward, from experiencing the heights of being. Though I was running, I was still frozen, a dichotomy, yet for so long a truth I was oblivious to.
I have finally learned intimacy. I can relate on deeper levels then before. I can feel ecstasy. So much of this most people take for granted, I just feel grateful.
Running effects people in different ways, my situation is different from yours. I liken the running thing to being on a treadmill all the time... running but going nowhere. I think this is why I've been so emotional lately. I am just encountering the emotions I pushed down, the feelings I didn't deal with. Its weird, but I feel like at least I am older now and can deal with the emotions better then I might have been able to as a child. Maybe the whole experience was like this time capsule, stored in a box, ready to come out when I was mature enough to handle it. I think that is why I've been able to overcome things in life without addictions (other then chocolate).
Someday you too will figure out how to be present. Realizations hit as you are ready for them. When it comes to you, when you overcome it, it will be beautiful and so will the freedom you gain.
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Re: Safe
Tue, January 15, 2008 - 3:39 AMI feel safe when Im alone because I am not risking the loss of what I truly want which is to be perfectly joined to someone else. -
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Re: Safe
Tue, January 15, 2008 - 4:04 AM> what I truly want, which is to be perfectly joined to someone else.
well said. -
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Re: Safe
Wed, January 16, 2008 - 5:59 AM>>perfectly joined to someone else. >>
thats beautiful and to the point of how I have felt my entire life.....
Im slowly giving up on the possibilities of that.....yes I know ..bad me!
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