Im reading THE POWER OF NOW by Eckhart Tolle
it helps me stay focused on the present and enjoy now not live in the past of future....
that has been a challenge for me ...and it is cause for much distress in my life .. high expectations of what could be and negative reminders of stuff that already happened
Im glad I found this book... it has made me realize so much already..
you might want to try it..

;)

jake

upload a picture and get some friends

I don't have INFP preferences, but I don't exactly see a stampede to respond to this thread, so I hope you don't mind hearing from an INFJ Life Coach. You can always skip it, of course.

On this side of the monitor, it sounds a little bit like you are at the mercy of your emotions. Which means you're probably stepping over the thought or belief producing those emotions in the first place.

===========================
The Order of Creation
===========================

Here's how it goes:

Thoughts -> Feelings -> Actions -> Results

Our thoughts determine our feelings, our feelings determine our actions, and our actions determine our results.

So I'm picking up that you're very "tuned in" to the feelings, but you aren't tuned in to the thoughts creating the feelings.***

You do give a little hint of them when you talk about "perfection" and "keeping others happy" though.

Let's take perfection first. Perfection is a pretty good failure strategy. :-( Addiction to perfection is a brilliant way to procrastinate, and when one doesn't actually produce or commit or followthrough, one gets to console oneself that at least they didn't do something IMperfect.

Trouble is, that's a pretty unsatisfying way to live one's life, and it sounds like you may be experiencing that.

I wonder what would happen if you make arrangements with yourself to substitute "excellence" for "perfection." And when you sense the "perfection" thought come up, examine whether "excellence" might be a more productive goal. Perhaps that will help you get into action more.

(I know I'm making this suggestion this with an airy wave of the hand, which doesn't capture the amount of effort it takes to make this kind of switch -- but trust me that I know what I am proposing is no easy task. I also know you're a smart guy and can probably do a lot with very little pointing from me, so I don't have to beat the idea to death.)

Next, you say "I feel a huge responsibility to keep the general mood happy." Boy this brings up a lot of baggage over here! :-O

Some part of me wants to label you a "people-pleaser," another part wants to call you "codependent," still another claims you're being "inauthentic." How dare I judge you so harshly?

Because I resemble those remarks!

So I don't know if I'm writing to you, or writing this out for myself to read.

What I DO know is that Catalysts (NFs, Idealists, whatever you call any person with N & F in their type code) have natural skills at being Diplomatic. I don't mean diplomatic as in "political"; I mean diplomatic in terms of being able to *really* step into somebody else's world and see through their eyes, and establish common ground with another person.
I define it in a lot more detail here:
www.INFJ.com/INFJ_Diplom...lligence.htm

So it sounds like your diplomatic skills are on hyperdrive, probably at the expense of your authenticity (which commonly happens to Catalysts)!

The big bitter irony of most Catalysts is that sometimes they can be the world's biggest phonies. (Crazy I know.)

We aren't good at setting boundaries, we want people to be happy, we bend over backwards a lot of the time to ensure that happens, and then we Lose Ourselves in the process.

And then we start living in the crazy (empty) place where we pretend to be something we aren't so that people like us, but then we know on the deepest level that the person they like isn't US, which makes us feel even MORE empty.

Does that sound anything like the cycle you're living? Are you being a phony?

If so, don't beat yourself up -- it seems most Catalysts go through this cycle at some point in their existence.

I don't know how old you are by your message, but once a person starts individuating (maturing), alarms usually start to go off that we need to change our habitual ways if we are to move through life successfully. We're "wired" in such a way that we need to leave our comfort zones in order to realize our Selves.

Here are a few ideas for you:
1) read the book "Yes or No -- the Guide to Better Decisions" by Spencer Johnson.
tinyurl.com/55cm3p
You can read it in one sitting, and hang in there until the last third of the book where it pays off -- you'll know what I mean when you get there.

2) come up with a list of your top 5 values and rank them. Start honoring them, and pay attention to ho you are honoring them everyday. Give yourself daily scores for how well you're doing. (This is one of the fastest ways to get yourself back into integrity and authenticity.)

3) start making yourself a priority. In fact, get selfish about taking care of yourself! (Note: you don't have to hurt others to do so.)

4) practice setting boundaries -- you can start with small boundaries and get good at them so you're ready to tackle the big ones when it counts. Experiment with ways of doing it gracefully and with integrity. (And remember, it's not just about setting them -- it's also about maintaining them.)

5) notice how you can have a different opinion from others without making them "wrong." If everybody else likes mint ice cream and you prefer vanilla, it's OK! Honor diversity -- take joy in having differences! (This is part of the process of individuating.)

"Individuation offers the possibility that everyone can have his own direction, his special purpose, and it can attach a sense of value to the lives of those who suffer from the feeling that they are unable to measure up to collective norms and collective ideals. To those who are not recognized by the collective, who are rejected and even despised, this process offers the potentiality of restoring faith and dignity and assures them of their place in the world." -June Singer Harris

I notice I have a lot more I want to say to you, and I'm also anxious that I may have over-stayed my welcome already. So I'll leave it there for now, with the caveat that there's a whole lot more to be said. (I didn't even dip into what Dr. John Beebe says about "falling into the archetype." :-O)

If you DID trouble yourself to read this, I hope you'll let me know how it landed, and let me know if you would like to continue the dialogue further.

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***You might find it useful to do some research on Dr. Albert Ellis and R.E.T. -- Rational Emotive Therapy.

<<I love everyone. Even if I hate them, I still empathise to an almost intolerable extent.>>

I can relate to that....